Theology

Theology: "the study of the nature of God and religious beliefs"

It sounds like a big word but it isn't really...

(having a blog is really good, even if no one else other me and my husband read it, for the express fact that I can look back at half a year a go and am shocked that I am upset about the same thing..)

So what made me upset enough to blog again?!

Ah...the same old...a stand in pastor preaching about the deceptively wicked human heart and how God is waiting to judge all our sins and the sins of the world...and how we need to go out and tell all the sinners out there...(he was preaching at the evening service..which means that only the most 'faithful' of the congregation will attend and which also means, the audience were alllll believers..)

My beef?

What then of the cross? Of the sacrifice of Christ? Did not he already die for the sins of the world?
What judgement is then left? The wrath of God was satisfied on the cross...

And the God I know is patient, loving, kind and gentle. He does not sound one bit like the God you are preaching about.

The preacher was surely sincerely and truly believed that it was important that the message that "we" are all sinners in need of a saviour needed to be spread...but, we are no longer sinners in God's eyes!!!
Once a person accepts Christ, God sees him through the lens of Jesus's work and we are redeemed, righteous and at peace with him!

The difference between this time and half a year ago is that my husband is now rather concerned about my many 'complaints' against 'his' church...

He reckons that I might be focusing too much on the negatives and ignoring the good...

so let's do a stock take...

I've been here since November 2014...that makes it about seven months...other than one couple whom we hang out with regularly, I can't claim to have made friends with many other people in church....not for lack of trying...there were three ladies I tried to reach out to...the pastor's wife, our cell group leader's wife and Dennis' good friend's wife...and they all have something in common...they do not respond to messages...yup, I'm not kidding. No replies mostly or very curt ones..

I guess that really pissed me off...'cos in my mind, I might have thought, "ok, these folks don't do the supernatural stuff...maybe they are just focused on being loving..." But how loving is a person when they do not even want to connect with a newcomer who reaches to them?

And then of course, there is all that identity stuff....do not tell your people that they are sinners and be surprised then they struggle with sin in their lives... Isn't it the same as telling a five year old, "You are a crazy boy." and then being taken aback when he runs around wildly and doesn't listen to instructions?

The small group is doing a bible study on the Holy Spirit and I thought, 'Yay! Finally! Things are going to get exciting around here!" But what most of them thought was that the Holy Spirit enables them to be better people and if they do feel guilty, yup, that's God's spirit working in them...
my dear friends, when you have thoughts beating you down, that's not from God...that's either yourself or the devil....

Dennis and I had a somewhat heated discussion last night and I went for a shower and waited for him to come back to the bedroom but he didn't return and I went out to the living room to find him with his head between his hands, looking visibly upset...I asked him what he was doing..he said he was praying and asked me what I'd do in his situation...I said I'd be praying too... and he blurted out, "Do you wanna change church or something...?"

Actually I don't...I do like the people there...most of them seem rather friendly and are nice... if somewhat distant....and Dennis has been there for the past five years and I know how he values relationships and is an extremely loyal friend but when I look at the bible study materials and listen to the sermons there, I sometimes just want to tune out completely...cos if I play attention, it makes me want to scream, "Don't teach things which are not true about my God!"

unmet expectations...

There are times when I think that I have the worst parents in the world...(but surely that must be an exaggeration...and how ungrateful does a person sound when they say something like that?!)

But I do feel this way. 

Face timed my mom yesterday and the first thing she said was, "Your younger sister is pregnant!" 

"That's great! How many months is she?"

"Humph! She's well ahead of you! She's already three months!!" (I wasn't aware there was a competition going on..) 

Then she passed the phone over to my sister and we excitedly talked for about 30 minutes (we discovered we had many similar symptoms...like a slowed down digestive system and really really really bad gas..) until my mom decided that it's long enough and she wanted to hang up. But before hanging up, she said, 

"Dad's wish came true."

"Oh?"

"He said that he wished that Chin Boon was the one pregnant, not you. Because your baby will be too far away for him to even touch."

I think i was too stunned to even reply and the call ended after that. 

How stupid is that?!

Can't he wish for BOTH of us to be pregnant? Why must be it one or the other? Can't good things happen to everyone? And why does my mom have to tell me that and make it seem like there's some sort of rivalry going on?! Is there a bigger inheritance or more love for the oldest grandchild who will not even share your surname!? (And I'm not even going to start on the gender...my parents clearly value boys over girls...)

What is this?! 

I think my parents are the sort of people who might never ever be happy. 

During my wedding dinner, I made so many accommodations for them and felt that I had really bent over backwards but yet in the end, they still had nothing but complaints. 

"The food was the worst we had ever eaten in our lives!!!" (maybe being dramatic is hereditary..) 

I think I really try to be a 'good daughter'...to be responsible, have a job, give them money every month, get married and settle down...and give them grandchildren...

but ok, all these is just not good enough. 

I thought I had already decided to stop wanting to please my parents but evidently that desire is still deeply rooted. 

I can only say I am so glad I am physically very far from them. I have really tried to be filial and I'm sorry if it's always not good enough. 

Jesus said in Luke 14:26 that "if If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple." 

That sentence puzzled me for a long time...surely the God who is love personified, is not telling us to hate the people around us? 

Recently someone explained the verse this way...that Jesus actually meant that if anyone loves their father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters and their own lives above how much they loved Jesus, then that person cannot be his disciple... 

That made sense...and I think God might be wanting to spare us unnecessary pain and heartache when we put our hope and our first love in people who will fail us....that if He is the source of my well being and my security and identity and the one I seek to please the most, I can emerge out of bitter expectations ("why can't they be better parents? Why can't they be more understanding? More diplomatic? Wiser!?!") like what happened with my parents relatively unscathed... 

It's ok, baby...even though your maternal grandparents don't think that you are such a great idea, you are God's beloved creation and He thinks the world of you and has destined you to be a blessing to the world. And of course, mom and dad already love you and welcome you. 

Things not to say to a pregnant person....

I'm pretty sure this is not going to be comprehensive....but let's give it a go...

1. "Say goodbye to your independence for the next twenty years..."
2. "You will finally understand the amount of stress I'm under..."
3. "I had *describe horrific symptoms in excruciating detail* but hope you don't get them..."

Some lovely and safe things to say on the other hand....

1. Congratulations!
2. I'm so happy for you guys!
3. What awesome news!

I guess with pregnancies, especially first timers, it can be a journey fraught with uncertainties..I mean, there is a million and one things to worry about if one is so inclined.....

and the person who should have the last word?

God.

Today He said very plainly: I am the giver of good things. I am the giver of life, not death. I am your good Father.

And yes, in You, we put our trust for a safe, smooth pregnancy, delivery and baby and that You will give us the wisdom and energy to raise up the children You have entrusted us with.

We have a bun....

...in the oven...due November. 

Yes! We are expecting a baby!

Bull's eye!! Within the first month of trying!

God, you are so good!!! 

I cried when the digital test kit flashed "pregnant"...the joy and excitement of new life but mainly 'cos I thought God has been telling me that I'm pregnant but I had dismissed it as me being slightly unhinged...

We started trying on the 10th feb and on 12th feb, a friend messaged me and asked if I'm pregnant because when she was praying for me, she saw a baby in a ratten basket..my reaction was to laugh and exclaim: "If I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant one day!!!" 

And then last week, I received a copy of 'American Baby' with my name in the mail...I didn't sign up for it and wondered who did...but when I saw the cover- it was a blond baby boy in a blue and orange one piece- I had a sense of peace and knowing that I was carrying a boy...and he would be an "American baby"...

Thank you God for the advance notices and reassurances...thank you for the privilege of being parents and growing our family! We are so grateful!

The Key to Freedom

The preacher last night started his sermon with the question..."Who are you?"

In my mind, I immediately answered, "Daughter of God".

He went on to suggest that many define themselves by what they do, by the careers they have... and then things became a little more heavy as he talked about how the heart is deceitful beyond all things and how deep down, we are wicked..and he was quick to confess that he is legalistic himself and how many are the same as him....sinful but not aware of how sinful they are...

My problem?

He was preaching to a bunch of Christians. I was pretty sure that every single person in that room had already received Christ, there was just one visitor in the venue...

It looks good to be humble...to beat up our chests and cry out to God, "OH! I'm so unworthy! I'm so sinful!!! Oh! God! Just do whatever you want with my and my life!!!!"

And God says, "Child, stop that. I don't see you as sinful. I see you as whole and perfect. Because when I see you, I see the image of Christ. Go and share of my love with other people. Do not tell them lies about me. I am not a harsh, angry and distant God, ready to strike down any man and woman when they sin. I am a long suffering, loving and compassionate father who's always watching the horizon for the return of the prodigal."

When a person believes that they are inherently sinful and deeply flawed even after receiving Christ, is it any wonder that they will continue to struggle with sin? And what is sin? Coping mechanisms to get what we think God won't give us....providence, comfort, pleasures, desires...

If I think God will not provide me with enough money, I will cheat, steal and lie...and even murder when it comes to that....
If I think God will not comfort me, I might turn to drugs, food, drink, tv, sex for comfort...

I used to struggle alot with negative thoughts and addictions...to masturbation, to food... why? The addictive behaviors were comforting...if I felt down, frustrated, lonely, that's what I'd do...

How about now? I talk to God and I listen to what He has to say. And that sets me free. My heavenly Father is more than ready to talk to me anytime and gives me full assurance that he is for me, not against me..that he will never forsake or leave me and His plans for me are to give me a hope and a future. It sounds all so cliche...but that is truly the key to the freedom that I'm experiencing now...

Because God is my father, I am free NOT to sin and I am free to be who He created me to be...that I do not have to conform to the expectations of other people, I am free to love myself and others unconditionally because we are wonderfully and fearfully made and I have hope for now and for eternity.

catch up

Blogging is such a wonderful way to keep track of things and I wish I had been more diligent because it's been so long since the last post that I am sort of at a loss as to where to start...

so...

I left Singapore for the States on the 19th of November 2014 and was finally reunited with the Keeper.....when I first arrived, I thought it was cold...around one to five degrees....today, it's minus sixteen?!!! It's been interesting trying to settle in and finding my place in the house...getting used to the kitchen, using the appliances (washing machine, dryer, vacuum cleaner- yes, I didn't think it would be so daunting to use appliances which are much bigger and heavier than what I have been used to..) Initially I found it hard to cope with the cold- I just felt like sleeping and was very lethargic and felt sorta guilty for not being more productive...thankfully my husband has been very understanding....he's the sort of person who doesn't let the behaviour of other people affect him...so if I'm not doing my 'share' of the housework, he's still doing his (and mine!)....or maybe he just doesn't have the notion of 'mine' and 'hers' and that it's all 'ours'... 

the best thing so far...other than being able to see the man of my dreams every day...would be to cook for him...

am toying with the idea of a food blog but not sure if it's too much trouble...

The Keeper's Garden

So the Keeper and I had differing views of the most appropriate counsel to give a friend...in my mind I thought that my approach would be superior, "How many women has my husband counseled? Of course I would be more experienced in this area and my advice would be better..." 

As I opened my mouth to verbalize those thoughts, the answer suddenly dawned ...

"The Keeper has been consistently counseling one woman....it's an extremely difficult case but he's done really well..."

Me. 

How blessed am I to have the privilege of his wisdom and loving attention everyday...just as a gardener carefully tends to his garden, I am grateful for his guidance in snipping off destructive thought patterns and behaviors and handling wounded areas tenderly, watering them with love and exposing them to the light of God's truth...

(PS: I think that a husband is not responsible for his wife's emotional health but I am immensely thankful that God has given a spouse whom, when challenging events happen and I break down, does not tell me to "Stop it! It's no big deal" and instead says, "I can understand how that would be hurtful. I'm sorry to hear that." and follows up with, "That's a wound that only God can heal...Remember His love is always steadfast and unfailing.")