The Secret to Security...

Before the Keeper and I got married, someone came up to me and told me that after much praying, said he had received the impression that the Keeper is a conman and I shouldn't marry him. This person has a history of giving me advice with undesirable consequences so I didn't take his words seriously and instead, was rather offended- "Did he think I cannot hear God myself? Does he doubt my intuition/ intelligence etc????

I told the Keeper about the message and he was totally unruffled and just brushed it off. 

Recently someone whom I have only seen a few times passed a slightly unflattering and inaccurate comment and I found myself getting annoyed...

I related it to the Keeper and asked him about the previous incident and how he could remain so calm when someone passes such an unsavoury judgement about him...he replied very simply, "He doesn't know me."

That made me think for a while...at first I thought,"yeah, I should only care about what the people closest to me and who know me the best and who love me think...like my husband!!" 

But then realized that, no, that's not it....the secret to being secure...is paying attention and giving heed only to the opinion of the One who made me and knows me the best...

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb."

"You will take delight in me with gladness.

With Your love, You will calm all my fears.

You will rejoice over me with joyful songs."

the reason for our marriage..

a concerned friend told me that she thought that I'm quite a particular person (I am....I notice all the small details that most other people wouldn't....like scents/smells, sounds and pick up very subtle body language etc etc)...and that she was slightly worried for my marriage...that it'd be hard for the Keeper to get along with me.

I brushed it off saying, "Oh, he's very patient and forgiving...no problem.."

She was still undeterred and proceeded to share a story of a couple she knew with a seemingly loving marriage on the outside and ended up with divorce..she didn't exactly state the reason for the separation but added in details like a demanding mother-in-law who had to stay with the couple because they needed her help with their three young kids and that the husband seemed like a very easy going person....

I was still unbothered and said that the Keeper and I are married to help each other become more like Christ.

She looked thoughtful for a while and dropped the subject.

I think I'm a bit slow in person and only articulate my thoughts after a conversation sometimes..

I guess what I really wanted to tell her is that... we didn't get married to make ourselves or each other happy and if either of us is unhappy, it wouldn't be a reason for separation...we got married to make God happy and nothing makes Him happier to see a husband love his wife and his wife submit to her husband and for a couple to mirror the sacrificial and selfless relationship between Christ and His bride, the church...sounds almost trite but it's true...so I do have full confidence not in the Keeper but in God to safeguard and protect our marriage and use it for His glory and purposes.

God sighting 10th Dec 2013

This morning I was trying to record a passage of the New Testament for the Keeper and was struggling big time with a runny nose. It wasn't a cold per se but allergy reactions to the cats' dander...having to pause the recording every few seconds made me realize how severe it's gotten...(and yes I still touch Didi at times...he's like sin...so enticing but you really pay for the consequences...oh I can take antihistamines but they make me really drowsy and it's not an ideal state for work...and the runny nose resolves by about noon daily..)

And then I thought about messaging the Keeper to whine about it but thought..what good would that do? He'd most probably remind me of the move to Kentucky in less than 24 weeks..

So I tried to console myself with the thought of staying with Hachi for 10 days later this month when his owner goes back to Australia for the Christmas holidays...and thought how nice it'd be if I could stay there longer but to be content with a short respite...

And voila! Hachi's owner messages me to let me know that she's had some change of plans and will be extending her stay in Sydney and if I could help for about three and a half weeks!!! 

Of course I can!!! :D 

(My mum didn't appear too thrilled with the news though and looked rather scornful after she found out that it's not a paid gig and said,"so you are volunteering?!?" I think she's the sort of person who does not understand illness or allergies...she thinks that I am just making the allergies up and being too finicky about the cleanliness of our home...I showed her my swollen blood shot eyes and she remarked, "they don't look that bad what..." Yup, compassion and empathy is definitely not her strong suite...but thankfully God seems more sympathetic..yay to quiet and clean living in the middle of the city next week!!!)

How the Keeper got his nickname..

a rehash from a FB post....blogging it here again for posterity......it was written in April 2013..

definitely a keeper...

I have told the first part of this story to some friends and the usual reaction is one of shock and disgust. (and now I guess, they must have also wondered if there's anything wrong with my brain..)

One guy whom I was seriously dating AND considering marrying AND already agreed to marry told me moments after he 'sorta' proposed : "If you ever get fat, I'd like you to go for liposuction." My incredulous response was: " Do you know it's more dangerous than getting a liver transplant?"

He looked thoughtful for a while and I thought he was going to retract his earlier statement. Instead, he said matter of factly: "We just have to find a good doctor."

So recently, I got attached again and I realized that the insecurities from that last relationship had grown (despite all I passionately post about having a healthy body image and the beauty myth, I don't think I'm fully out of the shadows..) and I asked the guy about a certain part of me which I felt especially uncomfortable about. 

And his reply was: "They're fine because they belong to you."

Peachy

After the tumultuous events over the past few weeks, things have finally settled down and it seems that everything is working out beautifully..

The original menu was supposed to be alcohol free... basically the bride who is a dietitian was concerned about the health effects of alcohol...truth be told, it's mainly cos of the cost factor. Plus, I didn't think that many friends and family members drink as well..

Mom, however, threw a fit when she found out and insisted that red wine is a must...

I was rather adamant at first but decided to back down after a day or two after consulting with an aunt who pointed out that it would appear miserly if no wine is served and also my grandma and another aunt do enjoy a glass of red occasionally (this was news to me)..so I looked at the contract of the wedding dinner and was aghast to find the clause of "no external beverages are allowed to be brought in" and wanted to kick myself for not negotiating a corkage waiver (I didn't think we'll need it) and after checking with the assistant banquet manager, corkage for wine is about $18 a bottle..and the restaurant's house wine is $40 a bottle.. 

So I am thinking... The house wine most probably wouldn't be fantastic and the people who would appreciate wine will know that it's not great..and if we paid corkage and bought our own, it would work mouth to a rather hefty expense...

So I asked the Keeper to pray alongside about the matter and how we could best handle the situation..

And voila! The next day when I checked the contract again, where the perks were listed, it actually cleared stated that corkage is waived!

Hallelujah!

And then I have a friend in Sydney (thank God for talented friends from all over!) - he writes the most entertaining wine reviews- I have showed him the menu and now he's in the process of choosing some wines for the dinner! So happy! Our guests will get to enjoy delicious wines and my mom will be happy and our budget is still fairly reasonable!

And my second sister has already purchased the fabric for my tea ceremony dress..(she's a fashion designer by trade and is going to make a cheong sam for me... she's known to be a super procrastinator and would usually give my mom an outfit for an event MINUTES before the event..so it is really quite a feat that the fabrics are purchased 5 months in advance..)

The other two wedding gowns I will be wearing are already ready - and because they have a flexible tie back option, I do not have to fret about gaining or losing weight...they will fit no matter what.....I only have to get a can-can underdress for them....which my second sister is going to loan me..(she was going to go into a wedding gown rental business..) 

Invites have been sent out via Facebook and google docs is doing the tough job of collating responses and we'll send out physical invites about 2 months before the dinner.. 

Tasting of the wedding menu will most probably take place during that time..otherwise it will be the first week that Dennis is here.... which is one week before the wedding dinner...but *shrugs* it should be fine as well...there's only one item in the cold dish platter that I'd like the chef to change as it's slightly repetitive but other than that, every thing else is fine.. 

wedding photographer has also been booked (a really good friend) and the plan is to do the tea ceremony at 5.30pm and then cocktails at 6.30pm...am thinking that as incentive for my relatives (most probably only my mom's side) to come down  for the tea ceremony to tell them that we'll get the wedding photographer to do family portraits as well...since every one's going to be decked up anywhere...might as well take more pictures right? :)) So at least we can bless the relatives back in a small way......My family has not taken any 'proper' family portraits before.. 

the wedding make up artiste cum hair stylist will be my younger sister...and we are doing a trial run tomorrow...it's also my company's D&D so every thing's quite on track... 

So yeah..no more soldiering.. More like cruising..  :))

How not to throw a wedding dinner

In the vein of honest toddler...tips for parents on how to organize a wedding dinner to incur the most expenses and frustrate the highest number of people..

Lessons from my younger sister's wedding...

Seating plan. Who needs one? As mother of the bride, make sure you don't divulge any details to anyone even your closest family members about who you are going to invite and 3 hours before the dinner start, you only share the information under severe duress by the bridal couple and a very irate third daughter who loves law and order and then proceed to insist that toddlers don't count and put two families with 4 toddles requiring 4 toddler chairs at the same table, effectively rendering two seats void. In case we are not clear, one seat even if it is a Chinese restaurant, is a whopping $120...

And then you also ask the bridal couple if they'd like to do a tea ceremony a couple hours before the dinner and said you'd call the relatives on the spot to inform them and when they look at you in bewilderment, you brush it off and say,"don't have one then...that means that you don't get your Ang Paos.." Hence infuriating the couple who actually don't care very much about money and who just wanted to please you anyways..

As the father of the bride, one of the things that you can excel in is time management; you shout at everyone to hurry up and remind me that it would be disastrous if they were late but actually nobody is late, you are just making everyone tensed and agitated..and increasing the stress level wherever you go..you also insist on certain family members on not being present for the wedding festivities because of their horoscope...at the end of the dinner, you can also choose to complain about the food and also inaccessible location of the restaurant..

***

All said, the wedding still turned out pretty ok in the end...  and I guess both sets of parents can heave a collective sigh of relief and rest in the knowledge that my younger sister is now all ready to produce offspring... 

***

I thought I could learn from my younger sister's wedding and plan it better....my mom just dropped a bombshell...apparently my dad was so aghast that my younger sister didn't go ahead with the tea ceremony that he does not want to invite any of his relatives for my wedding... what??! and she asked if I could reduce the number of tables... man... who is this wedding dinner for anyway? mom is not excited about it...one of the most hurtful things she said was, "I'll only want to throw a wedding dinner if it's for a son.." (She doesn't have any sons by the way..) and now Dad doesn't want to invite his relatives... Dennis, I'm sure will be fine with not having the dinner and me, I think it's just a huge circus... and will be rather relieved not having to go through the parade...and so far, none of the overseas friends I've invited sound too thrilled about it (they were more excited when there wasn't a confirmed date..)..So for whom is this performance for?  

ahhh...God, you know that my heart's desire is to do the 'right' thing and to 'please' my parents...why is this so hard? Maybe sometimes the right things are not the easiest and issues in families get magnified, not diminished during 'happy' but extremely stressful events like weddings...
 
alright..soldiering on...and getting ready for the show.....

hairy tales

Aha...the wedding dinner venue has now been confirmed and the deposit paid.

Without any forceful speech or actions on my part, the restaurant manager honoured the previous conditions he offered and I went down to sign the contract a couple nights ago.

But so far, there isn't the sense of relief that I thought would follow..most probably cos formal wedding invites haven't been issued and I'm wondering even if I should dispatch wedding invitation cards....so far, I usually trash all the wedding invites I receive on the same day after taking down details of the date, time and venue..... but ok, it is sorta complusory...

If I sound quite depressed, it is because I am.

Had my hair straightened at my sister's salon on Sunday and the results are like....as if an existing home owner wants to have new curtains, he goes to a contractor who promises that the new curtains will look wonderful and he pays a hefty sum plus time investment and the new curtains turn out frayed, ugly and look much much worse than the old curtains....

Went back to the salon last night, not out of my own accord but mainly cos a friend and her husband wanted to get their hair cut there and asked me for dinner after that..(my original plan was to go home and sulk).. and my sister tried her best to salvage the straw-like filaments on my head and assured me that with a new shampoo and leave-in conditioner, it will be repaired soon...(I feel really resourceful usually but all the articles I've read online on the topic says the best solution is to chop it all off....and I'm prone to believe them..)

and then she gave me a call this morning to ask me if the hair feels any better and reminded me that if I 'obediently' used the shampoo, the hair will be fine soon....at that point, the fuse was ignited... 'obediently'??!...I don't feel culpable for the extent of the damage at all.....and it's as she's saying that I did something 'disobedient' to damage my own hair.....when the biggest mistake I made was trusting them!!!?(and ok, maybe the decision to straighten the hair...)

*sigh*

How can someone get so worked up over hair????

But every  morning when I run my fingers through my hair and it feels like the hair on a discarded barbie doll...I really want to cry.

This a truly a case of extreme back fire-ism.

The state of my hair shouldn't affect the wedding preparations/ dinner at all...since the hair style would most probably be a updo and frizzy hair stays together better (like Velcro you know..)...it's just the daily life and the sense of futility and stupidity....you mean I've invested so much time and money only to get fried coconut husks???

God, I need you to heal my hair....you can heal lepers, restore sight, hearing and speech, what's a few thousand hair folicles to you??

Hmmmm...but I guess the biggest thing that I'm grieving...is the loss of trust in my younger sister and my new brother and sister-in-laws...I know they have good intentions and she's really a good sister...and my main motivation to go to her salon regularly was so that I can build up a stronger relationship with her and the in laws before I leave for the states...and now the thought of going to the salon is such a dreadful one....I guess it's safe to say that I am traumatized...

God, I need so much help... help me to be wise and help me to forgive and to set my sights on the things which matter and remember that nothing is impossible with you...

Update 25th nov: hey! The hair has been fixed!! Not like coconut husks anymore!! And no longer upset with my sister and her husband.. :P rather amazing actually...to read a prayer written a fortnight again and go realize that it's been answered...

Letting the joy of the Lord be our strength...

There's something that I've been struggling with for such a long time that it's become 'normal'...and that I didn't realize that other people don't even consider it an option..

Come every November and December, I usually find myself in a funky state..things appear exceptionally gloomy and I start dreading January 3rd.. That's my birthday but for some reason, the weeks leading up to my birthday are the weeks that I start having the most morbid thoughts....(actually I do think that it has something to do with the fact that my mother didn't want a baby girl and was bitterly disappointed when I entered her world....I know this sounds really strange and illogical to some but hmm...I don't bear my mom any ill will but do believe that she's passed alot of her pain and disappointment to her daughters..)

I also struggle with dark thoughts during rough patches and attempted suicide once when I was 14 years old. It was over a really trivial incident- my best friend in school had decided that she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I stopped doing to school and one day became two days became two weeks and it seems as though there was no other recourse other than to end it all so I decided to gas myself...hauled the gas canister from the kitchen to my bedroom, switched on the air conditioner, sealed the door and drifted off to sleep...I remember feeling weak and not being able to turn off the tape player which seemed to be stuck playing the same song.. 

Next thing I knew, my dad was shaking me and trying to get me to wake up. I had turned on the gas around 9am and it was less than an hour later that he had returned home...he usually finished work around 2 pm but this day, he had a strong nagging feeling to return home earlier..

The next memory I had was my eldest sister slapping me and shouting at me and saying that I was being very selfish and I had hurt my mother deeply.

After that, my father and aunt took me to a doctor and pleaded for a medical certificate so that I can return to school without any major issues...

There was no counseling as far as I can remember...no one actually talked to me about why I had attempted suicide and I think my parents just took me to a temple medium for some rites and made me wear a metal talisman after the incident..

So fast forward to ages 26, 28, 29..I found myself still having thoughts of not existing and wishing to be in another place .....I was in a dead end relationship at 26, was going through a tough time at uni at 28 and had a rough patch at  work at 29....  

At age 29, I was single and working in a stressful environment and told a colleague that I felt as if life had dealt me a bad hand of cards and I did not wish to play anymore..I thought I would be only be happy if I was married and had a less stressful job ...

My colleague appeared very concerned and told me that I should play these cards till I win at them..

So this year..at age 33, married and working at a rather stable job, why do I still have these thoughts? I am supposed to be happy right? Afterall I have married the man of my dreams...so many prayers have come true...my job is not that stressful and I am planning the wedding dinner for next year and just waiting for a few more months before moving over to the States...and!! Am I not supposed to be a Christian? Why do I still get depressed! (Tim Keller did actually talk about Christians getting more depressed over the fact that they are depressed in one of his sermons...) And also, I have gone through inner healing...wasn't that supposed to help? Why do things still seem so hopeless? 

The darkness got so serious that I actually planned it down to intricate detail like the date and method..and I thought that it had to be on a date which is not significant for anyone close to me or some public holiday because I didn't want people to associate those dates with any extra sadness...

I felt like a fraudster and thought that I must not truly love my husband...because if I did, why would I prefer not existing and why would I not consider the immense pain that it will cause him...

We had a fight recently (totally unrelated to what I have written above) and he said that I was selfish...and I pointed out that in that particular instance, he was the one who was being selfish...(he agreed after thinking about it)

But I also said that indeed, maybe I was a much more selfish person..because in my mind, I already had those semi-concrete plans..

So we reconciled a few days later and one morning on the way to work, I was talking to God about the matter of wishing to not be on Earth anymore and came to the conclusion of "Alright, God, I don't want to live my life but You can live my life...use it whatever way you want...I will live to do your will."

I still felt like I needed to tell my husband...cos I don't wish to hide anything from him and also thought that such issues would benefit from airing and confession...they are difficult and sensitive to talk about but left in the dark, no help can be provided....... I wasn't sure what sort of a response he would give me...(now thinking back...I wonder what my first reaction would be if the tables have been turned...would I would felt betrayed? Upset? Angry at God that he has given me a spouse who seems to have so many issues..?)

I started off the conversation with telling him that I had something to confess and stating that suicide is the most selfish act possible...because it disregards the pain and feelings of anyone else in the world and told him what has been on my mind...

The Keeper looked really calm (but I could see the deep anguish in his eyes)....and he shared about the time he was a teenager and struggled with the same thoughts and stated that usually people think that the pain will stop when they end their lives but end up magnifying pain in the lives of everyone close to them...even people whom they didn't know well will experience the fall out...(my words: suicide is much like a nuclear plant disaster..) and it's just a very hard-to-redeem situation for everyone involved...he also talked about how for him, it seemed much easier to cope with physical pain but emotional torment is another issue altogether..

I'm truly grateful that he didn't take it personally and thought that I was having these thoughts because he had failed me in some way or because his love wasn't enough and that he chose to focus his eyes and thoughts on God and reminded me that God is in control....I told him of the sermon which I had heard earlier this year about how a baby is wired to receive maximum joy at age 9 months and if it stores up enough joy at this crucial time, it will grow up to be a well adjusted adult with ample reserves for coping with the storms of life...and I half joking said that (I was serious actually) maybe I didn't receive much joy as a baby so maybe that's why my emotional reserves are so shallow....and he said that he'd pray for God to heal the wounds inside and to fill the void with joy.

I have married a really really brave man.  

Thank you darling for being so strong. 

You are truly MY answered prayer. 

Thank you for sharing my burden with me..and not shying again from such a difficult conversation. I cannot emphasize how truly grateful I am for you. 

May God always be the head of our relationship. 

Wedding dinner limbo

The venue and menu has been decided and now it's just awaiting the payment of the deposit and we're all good to go.

The date is 13th April 2014; it's a Sunday cos my mom says that she would be rather stressed out if the dinner is on Saturday...I said that the guests would be more relaxed on Saturday and also give more Ang Paos on Saturday (cos Saturday dinners are typically more expensive than other days- I was trying to appeal to her practical side..)...she turned her nose up at the latter suggestion and said that she would have to work on Sunday..she's be working on Saturday too...I guess the whole wedding dinner is for my parents anyway and I should respect her wishes...and it's true that she has longer working hours than any one else attending the dinner..

So! The program! We'd have the Chinese pastor from the church which I'm currently attending come preach and bless the marriage..I'm rather excited as he used to be a medium of sorts before turning 180 degrees and becoming a pastor and I hope that he'd share a little bit of his testimony...I don't know of any other Christians on either side of my parents' family so I will be praying from now that the Holy Spirit will start to soften their hearts to receive Christ.. 

That will be the best gift I can give my family before I leave...

Update: urgh. I might have jinxed the wedding venue by writing this post too soon..... Was supposed to go pay the deposit next Tuesday and requested for a draft of the contract- lthe assistant sales and catering manager emailed me a copy and I noted errors in the time of the wedding (she had wrote 12-4pm for a wedding dinner) and also an extra '0' in the cost of the set Muslim menu and also the number of complimentary hotel room nights that was agreed upon previously... During the face to face discussions with the assistant restaurant manager and the senior banquet manager, they had promised a number of perks including:

1. use of day room
2. two nights' stay in a club room (increased from 1 nights' stay deluxe room- the only difference in the club room is that it comes with free tapas and drinks at the bar from 5-8pm..)
3. dinner for the couple
4. food tasting for 10
5. choice of either 2 barrels of beer or fruit juice (I wasn't keen on either)
6. a pair 'special' pillows worth $276 (not interested too)

and then after the menu revision, I asked for a further discount and did not want sharks' fins on the menu- the assistant restaurant manager reverted with a slightly revised menu and said that he can't do the beer or fruit juice and I thought that it's fine, I didn't have to squeeze them dry and make things too difficult for them and just shrugged it off...

and in the draft, I thought that the assistant sales and catering manager has also made a mistake when it came to the rooms as it was one night instead of two....I told her nonchalantly that it was supposed to be two nights and she can check with her two colleagues...

Imagine my shock when she returned my call and said that both of them confirmed that they had only promised one night.... and I could choose from the use of the day room and one night or two nights with no day room....

hmm.

Not sure if they have bad memories or are trying to pull a fast one...

Spoke to a couple of people...a friend had suggested that if I should want to continue with the venue, I can suck it up and then write a non-glowing review for them after the dinner or also let them know that I will 'share' my experiences with them on forums...she thought that they were being rather dishonest...

my younger sister's opinion was that perhaps the assistant restaurant manager had over-promised during the negotiations and has been reprimanded by his superiors and now they need to rein it in...and she suggested that I go to a different vendor cos if the restaurant manager is so upset, he wouldn't be motivated to do a good job and everyone would be rather unhappy in the end...

her version calmed me down somewhat and I thought that it's rather true....so now I'm waiting for the restaurant manager to call me back to verify the facts and yeah, if it is so hard for him, and he's not happy to do my business, maybe I should take it else where...

Was really disconcerted and upset yesterday but this morning, I thought..."meh, God provided such a lovely wedding for us in Kentucky, He can do the same in Singapore.... if this venue does not come through, He will provide a better one."

So yeah...it's back to the drawing board....

criteria:
1. The food has to be yummy
2. Venue has to be pretty
3. Stage set up where everyone can easily see and listen to preaching :D
4. Relatively easy to get to

Hmmm. The other places that I am considering are My humble house at Esplanade- pricey but really nice food - need to check about stage set up.... or Majestic Restaurant at Gardens by the Bay- pretty place but a little bit challenging to get to and also more logistics to cordinate.....OR I can go to Ban Hiang- the best Hokkien restaurant in Singapore! OLD school....YUMMY food but no stage set up and rather dated.......hmmmmmmm. Oh well, it's an adventure....my friend asked if I'd be able to find another venue and I told her, "remember, you said I am resourceful?"

And I forgot to add...I also have a good God.

Slowly skimming away insecurities...

About three years ago, I met this guy (actually a more accurate term would be 'scumbag'..) and he seemed to fit perfectly the profile of what I wanted in a husband..things got really serious..he proposed, I accepted and the search started in earnest for a flat...but somehow things still didnt feel quite right and I prayed for God to show me his true colours and it turns out that he was really serious about the marriage alright.....so that he could get money from me to pay for the flat...yeah, it was a rather tragic story and everyone tells me how fortunate I am that I found out before the wedding.....and I guess, that's also one of the reasons why everyone is so happy that I am now married to a fantastic guy..

So this week, the Keeper told me that the bank's called him about refinancing our house and the rates are rather favorable and will allow us to finish paying off the mortgage 4 years earlier.. 

And then he tells me that my signature is needed on the documents as well..

Unbeknownst to him, major alarm bells start ringing...

So I asked why my signature is required...

He replied simply.."it's state law."

Not satisfied, I asked again after a while..

He replied this time: "because you're my wife."

I said something which as soon as it left my mouth, words I couldn't quite believe too..

"So I have to pay for the house if you run away?"

He looked rather bemused and said.."well, I wouldn't put it that way...the insurance covers all that....it's  more like, the house would still belong to you if anything happened to me..."

Thank you God for giving me a extremely calm husband who does not take offense easily...and gently bringing painful parts of my past to the surface so that they can be healed..

Hoarding..

Strange how sometimes lessons learnt years ago can be so deeply etched in the mind...the first church I attended had a lot of 'equipping' classes and in one of them, I can't remember the title now..we learnt about changing behaviors...the class was taught by a couple - pastors married to each other- and they used a real life example..and the handle was 'ABCD'...

Activating incident : both return from work- the husband grabs the newspapers and sits on the couch and reads it for 30 minutes..wife starts doing housework immediately...

Belief system : wife believes that if a husband does not help out with housework immediately, he does not care about her..

Consequential feeling : she feels angry and upset..

Decisive action: wife becomes very snappy and they start fighting for no particular reason..

After talking things through, the wife found out that her husband needs the down time but is more than happy to help her once he's done that...and she becomes much more relaxed and peace is restored in the household..

Sounds rather easy to understand and remember right? 

So recently I realized that I have been shopping slightly excessively (as if the world was coming to an end..) and wondered what was wrong..

Something about moving to a different country and not being working and not having my own income terrifies me...

I thought I had already addressed this issue and had settled it my heart to trust God to provide and not to look to man (even thought the man is my husband..) for my financial security, it still caused me to shed more than a few tears..

the underlying belief was : "my husband won't be happy to provide or me.."

The resulting feeling was fear and horror..(for someone whose love language is gifts...materialistic stuff can be seem too important..)

And the consequential action was: "let me now buy all the things I need and do all the beauty treatments I can with my own money so that I would not have to rely or ask my husband when I move after.."

So the logical solution?

Change the underlying belief..

I did tell my husband about my insecurities and he has made it crystal clear that it's OUR money even though if he's the one working (outside the home) and that all of our money is a blessing from God and we are stewards of His blessings... And that he trusts me to be wise and thoughtful in spending... 

New belief: "My husband will take care of me and provide for all that we need as we trust and submit to God in all things."

Hmm. 

physical intimacy in marriage

I think this article sums up very articulately my current views on physical intimacy in marriage.

If it is something is so important to my husband's well being, why would I not want to provide it for him?

A wife thinks about what to feed, how to clothe and generally, how to make her husband happy - and also help him succeed in all his goals..and if it's the only thing in the world that only a wife can do for a husband, it really does not make much sense to hold it back from him as currency or to have any reason not to do it.. granted, yes, that most women are holding a full time job and feel more compelled than men (usually) to take care of household chores and the children, which makes them effectively pull double shifts every day and they are genuinely exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally........I guess it all comes back to the heart attitude...whether I want to serve my husband and put his needs above mine?

But having said that,  I do admit that I am an inherently quite selfish person.... that frequently I only do good to someone cos I know then I will have a better chance of getting a preferable response for something else that I might need later... Fortunately for me, the Keeper is a very unselfish person.....and I hope to become more and more like him in that respect...

Bottomline, I think it is a privilege and honour to be able to accept and give love in the most intimate way possible and it is really quite enjoyable, right??? (I can visualize so many facepalms now....muahahaha...really, I didn't start out this post with the intent to terrorize... :P)

The Keeper as a kid...

I can't stop staring at this picture....he's so cute!!!!! (and am quite giddy at the prospect of our future offspring looking very much like their dad!)

He brings a smile to my face every day...

Today he starts his email with:

"I have to say that I was a little bit distracted by my beautiful wife during our chat.  But by the way that the camera was positioned it didn't cause me too much of a distraction. Just rather exciting to know that you are my wife after all." 

How can I not adore this man??!

(by the way, for my conservative friends with rather wild imaginations, I wasn't wearing anything scandalous, it was just a low cut dress ok??)

Chopsticks and other cutlery..

Was chatting with a girlfriend and asking about her boyfriend..she told me she was struggling with the fact that they're so different..she had imagined her ideal spouse to be someone very similar to her and that they would serve the Lord joyously together...and had even received a prophecy that she and her spouse would be working like a pair of chopsticks to advance God's kingdom..

I told her I could empathsize and I had the same notion that marrying someone very similar to myself would be a great idea (super foodie! Now I shudder to think how dangerous to health that might be.. :P)..and that the Keeper and I are extremely different and that he believes that is evidence of God's working in our lives..how He has brought together two people from opposite sides of the globe and whose strengths and weaknesses  complement each other and we are both supplemented because of that..

He's diplomatic and very unlikely to say anything that will put him in a tight position...I'm straight forward and often rather candid..

He's deliberate and prefers to consider every decision carefully while I'm rather impulsive and tend to trust my instincts..

He keeps a respectful distance from most people while I usually find it relatively easy to get close to people..

Had a sudden brain wave and told her that maybe a marriage relationship is less like a pair of chopsticks and more like a pair of fork and spoon..

they may look rather different but together, work beautifully in tandem..:)))

Our reading list..

The Keeper's been reading so many books on relationships and marriage that he joked that he can become a marriage counsellor...

His list:

1. Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman
2. For Men Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
3. The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason
4. When Sinners say I do by Dave Harvey (this was our pre-maritial counselling book)

His wife's read all that plus the following:

1. The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
2. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich  
3. For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn 

and also bits and pieces of these two books on the technicalities on physical intimacy recommended by a mature Christian friend..(we will read them more earnestly after I've moved to the US for good...)

1. Sheet Music by Kevin Leman
2. Intended for pleasure by Ed Wheat, Gaye Wheat

So which one's the best resource so far?

For a quick fix, Love and Respect should quickly break the crazy cycle that results in communication breakdowns between husbands and wives and offers some doable tips which can possibly restore tenderness and romance  back into the relationship..

The books on love making are rather interesting and gave me a whole new perspective on the subject matter...not so much on techniques but on the purpose and power of sex, especially on men..

Hmmm.....if I had to pick just one book to read over and over again, it'd be Mike Mason's the Mystery of Marriage. He gives a very realistic but still extremely glorious view of marriage- you'll go in with your eyes wide open, knowing full well that it will be the most difficult relationship you will ever have but also having within marriage, the possibility of experiencing the closest thing to heaven on earth. :)

When did you know?

For him, he said he knew it the moment he saw me at the airport...I think his exact words were, "you looked like an angel.." (Yeah, even I think that that was laying it on a little bit thick.... :P on a more serious note, the Keeper constantly reminds me that he believes that I am an answered prayer from God..how we had gotten acquainted when he had nearly given up all hope of meeting anyone..and how smoothly things have progressed and how well we get along and how well we complement each other...and he does treat me like a special gift from God..it makes such a world of difference!)

For me, it wasn't that moment I saw him in the hair salon and realized how handsome he can be.... 

It was on the first night we shared a bed in Wanderlust...
 

One of the biggest problems with growing up in Singapore is the constant exposure to American pop culture and I must admit that I have watched way too many TV programs and movies for my own good and even though I have been a Christian for the last 12 years, it was still hard not to buy into the idea of physical attraction/ sex / lust being the exact same thing as love.

After all, if you love someone, you will give your body to them as proof right? No? Or sex is a legitimate need and we should be free to fulfill out desires? No too? Then how about just testing out the goods and making sure that everything is in working order and are compatible? No? Waiting till after marriage to be intimate? What a quaint notion!

Even though the Keeper and I have been writing so much, I still wasn't quite sure what he was expecting...a guy friend who treats me like a younger sister told me this about guys..they will do almost anything to get into your pants and he followed that up with a real life example of his colleague who lives in New Zealand and flew to the US  for the thrill of sleeping with a girl he had gotten to know online- he had absolutely no intention of marrying her. He just wanted a conquest. (!!?!!!)

So back to the story....before the Keeper had booked his accommodation, he had the impression that I would be staying at the hostel and hotel with him as well. (After he went back to the US, he told me the thought of physical intimacy did not cross his mind at all- he just wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. A Southern gentleman indeed..)

I was definitely not going to stay at the hostel but wasn't so sure about the hotel...I wasn't sure what sort of a message I would be sending him and that was just putting the both of us in a very dangerous position...

And on the day before we checked into the hotel, I had given him a passionate lecture on how I wished to remain sexually pure with him before marriage...and he had agreed...and I had also quantified that knowing myself well, it was not going to be easy so the onus was on him. (This is something that I do not recommend anyone else to do, especially my own daughters!!!)

So..during that night...guess who was making the advances?

Not my proudest moment and not something that anyone reading this should be attempting...the Keeper kept his eyes closed and pretended to be asleep and then after a while, he returned the advances and all of a sudden, he sat up in bed, in a hunched position and let out a groan of anguish. (At this point, I thought he was going to give in...) He grabbed me from behind, wrapped his arms very tightly around me and told me in a very serious but gentle voice: 

"This is really difficult for me..because I am very attracted to you.....but I wish to honour God.."

Never had I felt so safe in anyone's arms.

That was when I knew..that this is the man I could entrust the rest of my life with..

the crazy intinerary...

This is the itinerary....complete with links!! Feel free to check out the reviews for the different places and to use it yourself too..though it is very much customized by someone who likes food too much...the traditional hair cut is really worth a try; the barber was extremely professional and the Keeper said that it's the best hair cut he's ever had...(and my not so secret motive was that I didn't like the Keeper's former hair style...after he had his hair cut and hair styled later in the day by my younger sister, I literally swooned- not quite sure whether it was due to that that I was, by that time, awake for more than 30 hours, or whether he looked so much better..the first thought was: Wow!!!! He looks like an Armani model!!! Thank you God!!!!!!)

basically the Keeper just wanted to spend every waking moment with me..he really didn't care about anything else... :P and yeah....I do know that the schedule's a bit packed- we did manage to follow it rather closely other not going to any museums, macritchie tree top walk and the botanical gardens, we also managed to do an impromptu trip to JB for supper and durians!! 

I thought that the tight schedule would help keep us occupied in case we didn't enjoy each other's company and also if we did enjoy each other's company, the presence of many different friends would make sure that everything was above reproach...:))

Oh and I also thought that it would be only fair that since he has flown 26 hours to come here that I introduce him to all my closest friends cos I wanted to make sure that he gets a good idea of the real person I am..not that I have concealed anything or pretended to be someone else during our on-line interactions but cos I think different friends bring out different sides of us and it's much easier to get to know a person when you've seen them in various social settings..(he agrees and when I visited Kentucky, he did the exact same thing for me! :P)

The numbers in brackets are estimations of prices for everything...a bit OCD but it's always nice to be informed right??

Monday
2am-5.30am chill out at airport

6.30-7.30am check in at hostel

7.30-11am- explore Chinatown area + surrounds + go for brekkie --> Kaya toast at Good Morning Nanyang Cafe (~6) at Telok Ayer Hong Lim Green Community centre

 + traditional hair cut (~6) ?? :D

11.30-12.30pm  get fitted at Ken's tailor (~200 = one shirt ~70 + pants ~100)

1pm -2pm Lunch @ Nam Nam Café

2-5.30pm – Asian Civilizations Museum  OR shopping + fragrance profiling @ orchard road

7-9pm dinner with my family (parents, sisters, brother in law + grandma and aunt) @  Zai Soon + Second review - try curry fish head, pork trotters, salted egg with bitter gourd (scary foods alert! :P We’ll try to order more ‘normal’ stuff too…)

9-10pm Shampoo + hair styling at chin boon's salon 

Tuesday
9am brekkie – Nasi lemak (~10) at Adam’s Road (pack fruit and water for hike)

10-2pm Macritchie tree top walk

2.30-3.30pm Japanese Style Suna (complimentary – won from a lucky draw sometime back too… ;)) this should be something quite novel!! But mainly I thought that it’s a good idea cos there’re shower facilities after our hike and we get to rest for a while. You mainly just sleep in the room which is made up of bricks with lotsa negative ions.
4-5.30pm-afternoon tea @ Ichiban Boshi (~10) with Dr Tan (doctor friend at work who treats me like a daughter)

5-7.30pm: Kampong Glam area + pashmina shawls for pressies (~20)  +teh terik (~2) + murtabak (~4) at Kampong Glam

8-10.30pm Tuesday group at Raffles Place (sorta like a church service but much more free form and organic) with Jesslyn

10.30-11.30pm Drinks @ 1 Altitude bar (complimentary!)

(last train: 11.58am)

Wed
10 am meet-check out hostel - breakfast at Tiong Bahru wet market – local delights (~10) –laksa, congee, wanton mee, prata +  wander around tiong bahru area + visit Yiling (close friend from high school who let me name her first born son!)  

1-2pm – lunch @ Maxwell market (~10) with Lisa (lovely friend from church who tries to mother me!)– Tian Tian Chicken Rice + Annie’s ice kachang

2.30pm check in Wanderlust Hotel

3.30pm Collect Zoo card @ Mt A
4-7.30pm Botanic gardens + orchid gardens- (~8) + drinks @ Blue Bali (~10)
8-10pm Dinner Bukit Timah Food Centre (~12) (satay, fried carrot cake, thai food, BBQ chicken wings, popiah)+ desserts  (~8) @ Alfero  - try the avocado and durian gelato! with Liwen (best friend from high school)

10.30pm Stroll along Clarke Quay and Boat Quay

11.30pm Mustafa Shopping for souvenirs? tiger balm(~20)

Thursday
10am Brekkie at Cocotte (restaurant @ Wanderlust)
12- 5pm – Zoo (Pls click link for show times) (complimentary) + panda enclosure (5) return via Ang mio kio - breadtalk – flosses bread  (~2)+ Old Chang Kee Curry Puff (~2)+ durian pancakes (~2)  OR Palawan Beach if zoo card not available

6pm Shower + change  @Wanderlust

7pm Dinner @ Bismillah (best Indian rice in Singapore!! :P Really delicious!!) (~10)

8-10.30 pm Soakability (the weekly worship session where people just come and sing their hearts out) with Shi Hua (friend who sings exceptionally well and works as a youth leader in a church but actually we don’t really know each other that well…hehe..)

11pm Supper at Swee Choon Tim Dim Sum (~15)

Friday (good Friday)
10am Brekkie at Cocotte - leave bags at hotel
11am – 2pm Orchard + CityHall - pick up clothes from Ken + shopping and sight seeing
2.30-5pm Seder Event @ Petra Church with Yvonne and Michelle (close friends from first church) and Jesslyn
5-7pm – ? Gardens by the Bay  OR Visit Grandma
8.00pm -10pm  Chocolate Bar at Marina Bay Sands? Watch Laser show at MBS OR Dessert with ? friends
10.30pm Collect bags from Wanderlust
head for airport and chill

Others:

·      tropical fruits to try: Mangosteens, jackfruit, dragonfruit, lychee, longan, mango

·       fullarton? Garden by the bay? Esplanade

·       ?try foot massage (~15)

Other  expenses:

Transport: ~40, Backpacker’s Hostel: ~80

All figures in SGD – total estimate: ~ SGD 800 (includes optional clothes shopping of $200 on Thursday) /USD 650 -- Exchange rate : USD 1: SGD 1.24