Come every November and December, I usually find myself in a funky state..things appear exceptionally gloomy and I start dreading January 3rd.. That's my birthday but for some reason, the weeks leading up to my birthday are the weeks that I start having the most morbid thoughts....(actually I do think that it has something to do with the fact that my mother didn't want a baby girl and was bitterly disappointed when I entered her world....I know this sounds really strange and illogical to some but hmm...I don't bear my mom any ill will but do believe that she's passed alot of her pain and disappointment to her daughters..)
I also struggle with dark thoughts during rough patches and attempted suicide once when I was 14 years old. It was over a really trivial incident- my best friend in school had decided that she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I stopped doing to school and one day became two days became two weeks and it seems as though there was no other recourse other than to end it all so I decided to gas myself...hauled the gas canister from the kitchen to my bedroom, switched on the air conditioner, sealed the door and drifted off to sleep...I remember feeling weak and not being able to turn off the tape player which seemed to be stuck playing the same song..
Next thing I knew, my dad was shaking me and trying to get me to wake up. I had turned on the gas around 9am and it was less than an hour later that he had returned home...he usually finished work around 2 pm but this day, he had a strong nagging feeling to return home earlier..
The next memory I had was my eldest sister slapping me and shouting at me and saying that I was being very selfish and I had hurt my mother deeply.
After that, my father and aunt took me to a doctor and pleaded for a medical certificate so that I can return to school without any major issues...
There was no counseling as far as I can remember...no one actually talked to me about why I had attempted suicide and I think my parents just took me to a temple medium for some rites and made me wear a metal talisman after the incident..
So fast forward to ages 26, 28, 29..I found myself still having thoughts of not existing and wishing to be in another place .....I was in a dead end relationship at 26, was going through a tough time at uni at 28 and had a rough patch at work at 29....
At age 29, I was single and working in a stressful environment and told a colleague that I felt as if life had dealt me a bad hand of cards and I did not wish to play anymore..I thought I would be only be happy if I was married and had a less stressful job ...
My colleague appeared very concerned and told me that I should play these cards till I win at them..
So this year..at age 33, married and working at a rather stable job, why do I still have these thoughts? I am supposed to be happy right? Afterall I have married the man of my dreams...so many prayers have come true...my job is not that stressful and I am planning the wedding dinner for next year and just waiting for a few more months before moving over to the States...and!! Am I not supposed to be a Christian? Why do I still get depressed! (Tim Keller did actually talk about Christians getting more depressed over the fact that they are depressed in one of his sermons...) And also, I have gone through inner healing...wasn't that supposed to help? Why do things still seem so hopeless?
The darkness got so serious that I actually planned it down to intricate detail like the date and method..and I thought that it had to be on a date which is not significant for anyone close to me or some public holiday because I didn't want people to associate those dates with any extra sadness...
I felt like a fraudster and thought that I must not truly love my husband...because if I did, why would I prefer not existing and why would I not consider the immense pain that it will cause him...
We had a fight recently (totally unrelated to what I have written above) and he said that I was selfish...and I pointed out that in that particular instance, he was the one who was being selfish...(he agreed after thinking about it)
We had a fight recently (totally unrelated to what I have written above) and he said that I was selfish...and I pointed out that in that particular instance, he was the one who was being selfish...(he agreed after thinking about it)
But I also said that indeed, maybe I was a much more selfish person..because in my mind, I already had those semi-concrete plans..
So we reconciled a few days later and one morning on the way to work, I was talking to God about the matter of wishing to not be on Earth anymore and came to the conclusion of "Alright, God, I don't want to live my life but You can live my life...use it whatever way you want...I will live to do your will."
I still felt like I needed to tell my husband...cos I don't wish to hide anything from him and also thought that such issues would benefit from airing and confession...they are difficult and sensitive to talk about but left in the dark, no help can be provided....... I wasn't sure what sort of a response he would give me...(now thinking back...I wonder what my first reaction would be if the tables have been turned...would I would felt betrayed? Upset? Angry at God that he has given me a spouse who seems to have so many issues..?)
I started off the conversation with telling him that I had something to confess and stating that suicide is the most selfish act possible...because it disregards the pain and feelings of anyone else in the world and told him what has been on my mind...
The Keeper looked really calm (but I could see the deep anguish in his eyes)....and he shared about the time he was a teenager and struggled with the same thoughts and stated that usually people think that the pain will stop when they end their lives but end up magnifying pain in the lives of everyone close to them...even people whom they didn't know well will experience the fall out...(my words: suicide is much like a nuclear plant disaster..) and it's just a very hard-to-redeem situation for everyone involved...he also talked about how for him, it seemed much easier to cope with physical pain but emotional torment is another issue altogether..
I'm truly grateful that he didn't take it personally and thought that I was having these thoughts because he had failed me in some way or because his love wasn't enough and that he chose to focus his eyes and thoughts on God and reminded me that God is in control....I told him of the sermon which I had heard earlier this year about how a baby is wired to receive maximum joy at age 9 months and if it stores up enough joy at this crucial time, it will grow up to be a well adjusted adult with ample reserves for coping with the storms of life...and I half joking said that (I was serious actually) maybe I didn't receive much joy as a baby so maybe that's why my emotional reserves are so shallow....and he said that he'd pray for God to heal the wounds inside and to fill the void with joy.
I have married a really really brave man.
So we reconciled a few days later and one morning on the way to work, I was talking to God about the matter of wishing to not be on Earth anymore and came to the conclusion of "Alright, God, I don't want to live my life but You can live my life...use it whatever way you want...I will live to do your will."
I still felt like I needed to tell my husband...cos I don't wish to hide anything from him and also thought that such issues would benefit from airing and confession...they are difficult and sensitive to talk about but left in the dark, no help can be provided....... I wasn't sure what sort of a response he would give me...(now thinking back...I wonder what my first reaction would be if the tables have been turned...would I would felt betrayed? Upset? Angry at God that he has given me a spouse who seems to have so many issues..?)
I started off the conversation with telling him that I had something to confess and stating that suicide is the most selfish act possible...because it disregards the pain and feelings of anyone else in the world and told him what has been on my mind...
The Keeper looked really calm (but I could see the deep anguish in his eyes)....and he shared about the time he was a teenager and struggled with the same thoughts and stated that usually people think that the pain will stop when they end their lives but end up magnifying pain in the lives of everyone close to them...even people whom they didn't know well will experience the fall out...(my words: suicide is much like a nuclear plant disaster..) and it's just a very hard-to-redeem situation for everyone involved...he also talked about how for him, it seemed much easier to cope with physical pain but emotional torment is another issue altogether..
I'm truly grateful that he didn't take it personally and thought that I was having these thoughts because he had failed me in some way or because his love wasn't enough and that he chose to focus his eyes and thoughts on God and reminded me that God is in control....I told him of the sermon which I had heard earlier this year about how a baby is wired to receive maximum joy at age 9 months and if it stores up enough joy at this crucial time, it will grow up to be a well adjusted adult with ample reserves for coping with the storms of life...and I half joking said that (I was serious actually) maybe I didn't receive much joy as a baby so maybe that's why my emotional reserves are so shallow....and he said that he'd pray for God to heal the wounds inside and to fill the void with joy.
I have married a really really brave man.
Thank you darling for being so strong.
You are truly MY answered prayer.
Thank you for sharing my burden with me..and not shying again from such a difficult conversation. I cannot emphasize how truly grateful I am for you.
May God always be the head of our relationship.
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