unhelpful communication

Flash back to April when my parents made those comments about the pregnancy, I wrote in to a Christian counseling podcast...and this was the episode with the their answers...(my 'wish' did come true...my sister IS having a girl and I am having a boy and I thought three months of not talking to my parents might have sent them the message that it's not ok for me to say things about gender preferences to me but the first thing my dad said to me was, "Congratulations!!!' I asked him what he was congratulating me for and he replied that it's because I'm having a boy....and I said that boys are just as good as girls and his answer? "*sigh* no matter what, boys are better...")

and this is the book which the counselor recommended: (which I did purchase but felt somewhat guilty about reading because it's hard to think of my parents as being self absorbed and abusive...)

and today upon waking up, I was surprised to see a notification on facebook from my mom...she had commented on my week 25 bump shot photo....this is the first time she has ever commented on any picture (she doesn't even use the 'like' function..) so I was intrigued to see what she had to say.. 

and it was: 

"Did you have a hair cut? Your face looks rounder." 

And now, I think the purchase of the book was totally justified. And harsh as it might seem, it might not be that far from the truth that my mother does not understand how her speech and actions might negatively impact the people around her (and she doesn't care even if people tell her that they are hurt by her remarks). Just boggles my mind though....what deep rooted wrong beliefs does she have to be able to pass such a comment on social media to a daughter who is pregnant and who she knows used to suffer from a eating disorder? 

It must take a whole new level of callousness and stupidity. 

Speaking of which, last night the cell group went out for dinner and there was six of us in total..there was one older couple, a older lady who brought her teenage niece and Dennis and myself. 

The older couple have a strange relationship...the guy even though he's in his late fifties, behaves like an annoying pre-teen boy and would frequently say things just to irritate his wife or tell jokes which are extremely lame and corny...and other people (and his wife) would react with obvious eye rolling... 

we were seated at a rectangular table meant for eight and the wife was running a little late and when she arrived, her husband put his hand down on the chair next to him and said it was taken (it wasn't; he was being facetious) so she said, "Just as well!" and sat down two seats away from him and put her bag on the seat between them... 

I thought it was rather awkward and made things seem somewhat tense...especially cos she was sitting all by herself separated from the rest of the group...to say that I was agitated is to put it mildly, I really wanted to smack that guy and ask what's in his brain?! Why would you treat your wife like that in public? It doesn't make you or her look good! It's not a good example for anyone to follow!

And the icing on the cake? I went to the washroom after the meal was finished and upon my return, my husband cracked a lame joke..referring to my pregnant belly, he said loudly enough for the whole group to hear, "Oh you obviously ate too much...!" I think I was a bit too shocked to react and just laughed it off.. 

But inside, I was really confused...why would my normally extremely considerate husband say something stupid like that? Ah, maybe it's the influence of that childish guy next to him... ?! (the husband did apologize after the dinner and this morning..) 

I'm not sure too of the purpose of documenting all these... maybe something like a pouring out of toxins? 

and my prayer? Father God, help to see people though your eyes, even when they knowingly or unknowingly say or do hurtful things and help me to pay back good for evil and to run to you for love and comfort first and foremost and to be cocooned in the safety of your truth and what you think of me and my appearance and be oblivious to even what my parents, husband or any one would say. 

If it does not align with what you think, I will choose to discard it like trash. And lord, help me to have a heart that does not keep offenses and is able to forgive easily and quickly and to be at peace with other people. Please heal the parts of my heart which are wounded and give me the wisdom to overlook and to forget. 

Love is gentle, love is kind..

It's amazing how well the husband knows me and can read my facial expressions nowadays...

Case in point: while shopping at an Asian grocer, I can't find the same bottle of light soy sauce that I have been using but see a gallon version of it...then I say aloud, "but I just threw the empty glass bottle in the garbage..."  

The husband smiles at me and I ask him what he's smiling at...

His reply: "you're thinking whether to pick it up from the garbage or not...you know exactly where the bottle is..."

"How did you know?!!!!" (No, we bought a different brand in the end..)

In other news, I'm really thankful for how gentle and kind my husband is...we were planning to watch a movie and for some reason, I saw that the movie timing was 6.20pm and it was around 5.30pm that we just finished our dinner and I commented that we still have plenty of time...out of the blue, the husband asked,"are you sure it's 6.20?" "Yup..." He doubled checked and nope, it was actually 5.45pm!!! So we took off and drove hastily to the cinema which was about 10 minutes away and prayed that traffic wouldn't be too bad...and he didn't show any sign of anger or displeasure...I apologized a couple of times but he wasn't upset at all...

And last night I couldn't sleep and after the husband had fallen asleep, I went out to the living room and slept on the couch instead...around 5am, there was some loud cat fighting noises outside the house and I heard my husband stir and he got out of our bedroom and looked at me tenderly and sat down next to me and stroked my hand...he seemed really sorry that I was sleeping on the couch...

God, thank you for such an awesome husband!!

Updates on Baby Ison

We had a small scare at about 18 weeks after a blood test for genetic defects came back "slight positive" for Down's syndrome....

I'm not sure how to explain it clearly but it's not so much the thought that my baby might not have the life that I had envisioned for him but more so the fear that I did not have the capacity to love a child with 'defects'...it made me think that I might be the same as my own mother who rejected her own children because she thought that they were not good enough just cos they weren't boys...

Yeah, I think I was a bit melancholic back then...

The ultrasound showed that everything was normal and baby had none of the soft indicators that is suggestive of Down's so we decided not to have further tests...

And now I'm at week 23, feeling really pregnant and amazed at how big the belly is...(yes, I have saying this for a while but still! It's like growing fat really quickly and suddenly!!!) 

Baby's kicks are really obvious now and even Dennis can feel them when he puts his hand on my belly...he says it feels as in my muscles are twitching...I assured him that it's our little boy and not me...

And we have decided on a middle name for baby Ison...it is “義生” or on his birth certificate, "Yisheng"..."義” means righteousness and if you look at the word, it's a lamb/"羊” over me/ "我”…and I think it explains the gospel succinctly...and "生” means to abound, multiple or produce...the name also sounds like "医生”/doctor...and together with our last name Ison/ "爱神”, his Chinese name can also sound like "一生爱神” and it is my prayer that righteousness will abound in Baby Ison's generation and God will use him as an instrument to bring healing and wholeness to the people around him and that Baby Ison will love God all of his life. (A lot of word play and wishes I know...! May God answer my prayers for Yisheng and may he fulfill the destiny God has planned for him!)

Theology

Theology: "the study of the nature of God and religious beliefs"

It sounds like a big word but it isn't really...

(having a blog is really good, even if no one else other me and my husband read it, for the express fact that I can look back at half a year a go and am shocked that I am upset about the same thing..)

So what made me upset enough to blog again?!

Ah...the same old...a stand in pastor preaching about the deceptively wicked human heart and how God is waiting to judge all our sins and the sins of the world...and how we need to go out and tell all the sinners out there...(he was preaching at the evening service..which means that only the most 'faithful' of the congregation will attend and which also means, the audience were alllll believers..)

My beef?

What then of the cross? Of the sacrifice of Christ? Did not he already die for the sins of the world?
What judgement is then left? The wrath of God was satisfied on the cross...

And the God I know is patient, loving, kind and gentle. He does not sound one bit like the God you are preaching about.

The preacher was surely sincerely and truly believed that it was important that the message that "we" are all sinners in need of a saviour needed to be spread...but, we are no longer sinners in God's eyes!!!
Once a person accepts Christ, God sees him through the lens of Jesus's work and we are redeemed, righteous and at peace with him!

The difference between this time and half a year ago is that my husband is now rather concerned about my many 'complaints' against 'his' church...

He reckons that I might be focusing too much on the negatives and ignoring the good...

so let's do a stock take...

I've been here since November 2014...that makes it about seven months...other than one couple whom we hang out with regularly, I can't claim to have made friends with many other people in church....not for lack of trying...there were three ladies I tried to reach out to...the pastor's wife, our cell group leader's wife and Dennis' good friend's wife...and they all have something in common...they do not respond to messages...yup, I'm not kidding. No replies mostly or very curt ones..

I guess that really pissed me off...'cos in my mind, I might have thought, "ok, these folks don't do the supernatural stuff...maybe they are just focused on being loving..." But how loving is a person when they do not even want to connect with a newcomer who reaches to them?

And then of course, there is all that identity stuff....do not tell your people that they are sinners and be surprised then they struggle with sin in their lives... Isn't it the same as telling a five year old, "You are a crazy boy." and then being taken aback when he runs around wildly and doesn't listen to instructions?

The small group is doing a bible study on the Holy Spirit and I thought, 'Yay! Finally! Things are going to get exciting around here!" But what most of them thought was that the Holy Spirit enables them to be better people and if they do feel guilty, yup, that's God's spirit working in them...
my dear friends, when you have thoughts beating you down, that's not from God...that's either yourself or the devil....

Dennis and I had a somewhat heated discussion last night and I went for a shower and waited for him to come back to the bedroom but he didn't return and I went out to the living room to find him with his head between his hands, looking visibly upset...I asked him what he was doing..he said he was praying and asked me what I'd do in his situation...I said I'd be praying too... and he blurted out, "Do you wanna change church or something...?"

Actually I don't...I do like the people there...most of them seem rather friendly and are nice... if somewhat distant....and Dennis has been there for the past five years and I know how he values relationships and is an extremely loyal friend but when I look at the bible study materials and listen to the sermons there, I sometimes just want to tune out completely...cos if I play attention, it makes me want to scream, "Don't teach things which are not true about my God!"