let the little children come to me...

Last night I went to visit a friend at her place...mainly to meet and play with her two daughters.. they are 5 and 2.5 years old and my friend seemed rather surprised that I enjoy being with children so much...

while we were at the playground, it suddenly struck me that when I was at her eldest daughter's age, my parents had already starting leaving me alone at home...and my usual routine consists of waking up and then watching tv or playing and then getting ready for school and then going to school by myself... I looked at her little girl and I think my heart ached a little bit for the 5 year old me who had to do so many things without any adult supervision....we were holding their hands the whole time and they were totally free to be children and to cry and know that they'd be comforted by their mom..

Maybe the reason why I like children so much is that I think that they are very innocent and deserve all the love I can give them.... and also to prevent another child from going through the same pain I did and perhaps...(this is something which just occurred to me..)  reliving and healing my own childhood in the process?

The Next Best Thing...

so the Keeper knows about my passion for rearing our own chickens (mainly so that we'd be able to have fresh eggs daily..) but I've sorta given up the dream after reading about possible risks with handling live chickens during pregnancy...("sorta" 'cos who knows once we are done with kids, right? ;D)

so to celebrate our first wedding anniversary (yes, time flies!), he hasbooked accommodation in my favorite city in Kentucky (Louisville- where we had our engagement pictures taken...why favorite? Cos it's got heaps of interesting restaurants...!)

He found the place through airbnb and it's called 'The Harvest House' and the couple who live there rear their own chickens along with a bee hive (!!) and a veggie patch.....

ohhh........how I love my husband...*swoon*

Are you happy?

there's a friend I see fairly regularly and she's rather unique..she's carefree (on the surface) and childlike and frequently asks me questions that, coming out from another person, might put my defenses up but with her, I know that she is sincere and just wants to know the answer..

so her latest question was...."Are you happy?"

I paused for a while uncharacteristically (that's something my husband does- ponder carefully before speaking...) and she interjected, "why do you have to think one?!"

I think the truth is that it's been a while since I've thought about the question...and yes, I think I am happy.

and here's my fully fleshed out answer....

The basis of my 'happiness' lies on two tenets...

1. God is good. (Psalm 145:9)

2. God is in control. (Psalms 47:8)

Why two and not just either one?

If God is good but not in control, He is like a kindly old grandfather who is weak and incompetent and wrings His hands in frustration when bad things happen and I can't possibly go to Him for help and would have to cope and fight for myself...

If God is in control but not good, then He will be like a distant, unpredictable King who sometimes blows up.... and I'll be treading on tiptoes, not sure when He's going to be angry..

but if I firmly believe that God is good and in control, that He is a righteous and merciful Heavenly Father who makes all things work for the good of those who love Him...I am able to give thanks in all circumstances and rest well every night in the knowledge of His love and protection...

an afterthought I had to the the question was...I think I've never allowed myself to be happy.....

I was chubby as a kid and overweight as a teen and adult and I've always told myself, "I can only be happy when I am within a normal weight range."

In recent years when my weight was within the normal range, I then gave myself a specific number...I had to be that number on the scales to be happy...if my weight was above that, I did not give myself permission to be happy...and guess what, I only stayed at that figure for a couple of weeks and the number has been creeping up, along with the level of unhappiness..

but recently, it's finally ok...I've sorta worked it out.....I do enjoy my food and it is a simple equation...energy-in versus energy-out ...if I want to eat rich food, I'd have to expend a similar amount of calories..if not, then it's perfectly natural to gain weight...but it's ok..even when I gain weight, God loves me, my husband loves me and I love me...
I can cut back some and do a bit more exercise but not obsess about it...no longer do I get a huge emotion reaction of guilt and self-hatred when I step on weighing scales....nowadays, it's more of "meh..ok...let's do something about this.."

The other condition I gave myself was that I needed to have a 'good' relationship with my father..but again, guess what, that doesn't seem that possible and I felt like I tried so hard and prayed so long that it was hopeless.... but now I also realize that it's ok... I do not have to change him and the relationship does not have to look like one of the stories out of 'chicken soup for the soul' where daughters pour their hearts out to their fathers and hold hands and go on ice cream dates..he has his struggles and I have mine and I can just relax about the relationship... as long as I have tried my best and done everything in my power to honour him....then it's ok....

so maybe what I meant is that previously I had only allowed myself to be happy and content if things were exactly the way I want it to be..and I thought that life is meant to be a series of endless striving for newer and harder goals...

Another friend whom I respect a lot recently told me about an epiphany that he had....that happiness lies in the journey, not the destination...he thought he'd be happy if he had a certain house, his career went a certain way etc, but actually it was the journey that made him happy...the process of getting the house which molds his character and working hard at his job, developing his strengths and helping other people...

and I think should I should add too...after saying all these....that the goal of my life is not to be happy....,,

The goal of my life....*drumroll please* is to make God happy.....and true joy and peace is a by-product of that... ;)

Changes

I think I shouldn't be surprised anymore but I think there is a common perception that in our marriage, I'm the one who's more dominating and demanding and that my husband has to adjust and change to suit my preferences.....

Last night, a friend half chided me and commented that I shouldn't be asking my husband to change so much...I think she was referring mostly to his appearance... hair style, clothes etc... the thing is, I think the Keeper doesn't really care...What I mean is, he doesn't really fuss about superficial stuff like that.. ;P He's pretty easy going when it comes to clothes and fashion and trusts in my taste (He should ..I married him afterall!! And tell him regularly how handsome I find him!)...and most times, when I ask him about his preferences (yes, I do ask..),  he'd reply, smiling, "whatever my wife likes."

The same friend then commented that I should allow my husband to change me...and this set me thinking...

yeah, my husband does change me too...dressing wise, I now chose more modest items 'cos that's his preference... and he's also caused changes where it matters the most...

His love in my life has resulted in a lot of healing....in areas where I previously thought I was unlovely and "unacceptable".... he's modeled for me grace and forgiveness and shown me what it looks like to be truly generous and sacrificial.....so, yeah, the changes do work both ways...and I do believe he's changed me more than I've changed him and I thank God for him every single day. ;)

Biggest change since not working...

Now the main question I ask myself when dressing to go out:

"Can I wear this with birkies?"

(90% of my wardrobe is office wear...so mostly "no....")

In other news, I think I am truly mentally prepared for migration...

A dear friend asks me where I would like to go for dinner..ie: "foods you think you might miss" and I'm hard pressed to think of any and choose instead a place which I have already gone to twice and experience very little excitement..(so shocking! Even to myself! Not excited about food?!! Yes, I think I have already tasted everything I wanna taste in Singapore and have a roughly good idea on how to replicate those items...)

Not sure too if this is a sign, that without really trying, the war on gluttony has finally been won....

"No worries, be safe."

I behave terribly in terms of being on time. I am almost always on time and give my friends such a hard time about being punctual that I think they are all rather scared of me.

I remember there was once I went out with a girlfriend and I was slightly late...and she told me that while waiting for me that she wondered if she "was at the wrong place because Chin Ting is never late!"

So today, serving in Sunday school, I woke up late and messaged the team to inform them that I was running late...and my team leader replied, "No worries, be safe."

I was awed by her reply. Wow. Not only is she not mad at me (and be scolded as I think I deserve), she was even concerned about my safety....

It made me wonder why I have such a huge (and crazy) reaction whenever my friends were late..... (and I have to be clear..I am only usually terribly punctual when going out with friends but not so particular in terms of work or school)

Why? Cos my underlying belief might be that when a person is late, the person does not care...and  does not cherish the friendship.. ( and school/ work is nothing personal directed to any one individual..)

or it could be learned behaviour from my dad... who throws a fit every time we have to go anywhere and insists that we all leave an hour EARLY... I suspect it has something to do with his childhood abandonment issues...... that when people are late, people with abandonment issues start playing back negative tapes and start freaking out that the person is going to abandon them.. (no, I cannot claim credit for this theory.... Karrolyn Merriman talked about it...)

but yeah, I think the bottom line is that I take my friends' being late personally..... as if they were doing something to me when in fact it is not and it could just be due to something else in their lives... (in mitigation, I was late this morning cos I have been sick and not able to sleep the night before..which obviously has nothing to do with my Sunday school team mates..)

so hopefully, this part of the puzzle has been unravelled....and we should see if I still behave in a crazy way the next time a friend is late...

fall out

it's been about a week since the beloved Keeper has returned to the States and I was thinking that this next couple of months might be rather uneventful but to my surprise, they have been anything but.. 

I do have some errands which I need to complete... namely the name change on my identity card and passport and then I would have to inform the banks, the CPF board, income tax and the insurance companies.. but I thought that those errands wouldn't take up that much time and was looking for courses to join and have signed up for a website and webpage design class and also a webpage maintenance tutorial.. OH! and a hair cutting course!! That starts Wednesday and I told the teacher that I just mainly wanted to cut my own fringe and my husband and children's hair in the future.. the classes will be at a hair salon which is near my place and which I used to frequent as a teenager and I remember seeing them train hair stylists but I think they have stopped doing that for a number of years.. and they were rather surprised when I turned up with my request... and now I have ONE brave friend willing to be my model..apparently I need five models...the friend who agreed said, "but my hair is so short...gimme me two weeks to grow it longer.." He's so gracious!! Hehe..but it's true that his hair is very short...it's almost a military crop... 

and then I have the fallout from the wedding dinner to handle... 

what fallout? 

Dealing with disgruntled friends and relatives... 

1. a friend who informed me that she had food poisoning and couldn't attend. We had a small tiff a few days before the wedding and I sorta suspected that it might have something to do with her non-attendance... I only sent her a message about 10 days after the wedding dinner to thank her for her blessings and she was offended that it took me so long..she expected me to reply immediately on the day of the wedding to ask after 'a sick friend' (her own words) ... she made quite a number of assumptions which forced me to look into my core beliefs and think about her core beliefs.. 

mine being: "If a friend does not turn up for my wedding (like the biggest day of my life!), then the friend is not worth keeping..."

hers maybe: "My friend should always ask about how I am when I tell them I am sick no matter how busy or stressed they might be..." 

2. my younger sister who thought that I was being horribly mean to her sister in law and friend...the two girls refused to sit where they were allocated and in frustration, I told her that they could go home if they were so unhappy... and she hasn't spoken to me since the wedding dinner and I spoke to her two nights ago and found out that she thought that I had treated them like dogs and asked me very angrily why I had been such a control freak if God is on my side... which makes me want to ask her back the question why she had broken down and cried at the wedding dinner and made the atmosphere so awkward if she has God too... Ah.... 

and then she came to me the next day and said that she had been praying about the situation and asked God what is so important that she must tell me before I leave for the States and she said that it's 'rest in Him'... so ok, I'm not exactly resistant to the idea but not entirely convinced too... cos I do see the results of her 'resting' (ie: lack of planning) and find the concept baffling.... it's really small things like not planning ahead and getting an EZlink card and having to pay more cash and making thoughtless purchases and not doing research and just seemingly blindly going through life... 

but I do see the value of being so intimately connected to God that every step and decision is guided by Him.... 

Which is not that bad of an idea..I acknowledge that it's definitely easier to follow methods and structures and to use tools...ie: your marriage is on the rocks? Well, have you heard of the Five Love Languages??  etc etc.. instead of first going to the One who created the idea of marriage... it is harder to seek God.. but definitely more rewarding.... hmmm